what is a person (online)

the ouroboros of it all

WORK DESK EXPERIMENT #1
The timer is set for 15 minutes. I write and then I publish. This is experiment number one. At a desk. Some would call it a work desk. To be clear it is not my work desk, just a work desk. Transcending the bening trap of genre to honor whatever bubbles up…be it satire or something else :) To not feel restricted to scrutinous proofreading or overthinking or I feel the need to state this because a lot of writing on Substack is quickly labeled as confessional/diaristic, criticism, or straight up service-oriented journalism. We have forgotten the lush meadow between these that exists and thrives on its own creation and interpretation. Not this, not that, but a possible third thing…x

I do not want to write a personal essay (the one exception is a lengthy dissertation-Instagram/IG story caption)

I do not want to write a piece about the discourse (it’s too all too abundant and inane)

I do not want to offer more noise to the chatter (I like to yap therefore I chat)

I do not even want to talk about the culture (the only culture i recognize is the microbiome)

I do not want what is popular (I am niche therefor I am popular)

I do want to say some stuff (I do not want to say the same stuff)

I do not want to be like everyone else. I do want to be honest which means I must flirt with contradiction

I do want to honor this time, not what they say when they say time is a construct but the actual time, this timeline, the one we are we living and the one we are witnessing

I do want my ideas to live in other containers of different shapes and sizes and frequencies and tones and textures and sounds and colours. I do want to nurture them. I want to yield to their pull. I do not want to suffocate them

I do want to be with others not just amongst others. Though sometimes I do just want to be amongst others.

I do want my ideas to be of but also beyond the fabric of this world. I do want what is both recognizable and also unfamiliar. I do want to pad my existence with the possibilities. I do want to exist online because online is limitless. I do want to exist online because I can entertain limits. I do no want to exist online because online isn’t really real. I do want to exist online, in the real.

I know Shelia Heti asked how should a person be? but I would like to contextualize this prompt as what is a person online?

A person online is a person who hides. A person online is a person who shows. A person online is a person who tells. A person online is someone who shares. A person online is person who yearns. A person online.

What is a person online could also be the same question as what is a new yorker what is a LA vs. NYC vs. Berlin vs. Mexico City vs. Barcelona vs. Paris what is a transplant what is a gentrifier what is a Hudson valley upstate artist colony what is a privilege what is a UES vibe pivot what is a vibe check what is a West Village Girl what is a pop star today what is a neurodivergence what is a Miranda what is a Charlotte what is a Carrie what is a Samantha what is a meme what is a mayoral race what is a democratic socialism what is oh hey fuck you what is oh this person sucks what is oh i thought this person was cancelled what is oh you can’t make me hate them what is a war what is a protest what is a red flag what is a free Palestine what is a Zionism what is a definition what is a new definition what is a war what is a migrant crisis what is a European fascism what is a American fascism what is censorship what is a hey go back to your own country if you don’t like it here what is a i wish things could be how they used to be what is a i wish the future were already here what is a climate change what is a fast fashion what is a narcissist what is an early bloomer what is a manhater what is a maneater what is a femcel what is a MAGA what is a ICE horror story what is a leftist what is a social listening technology what is a manifest what is a intuition what is a David foster Wallace analysis what is a Mary Oliver poem what is a genius what is a statue of literature and culture and criticism what is a autofiction what is a YouTube essay what is a lit grifter what is a Substack what is a hot girl book what is a coquette what is a girl dinner what is a lit girl what is a shopping haul what is a product review what is a Lorde what is a Charli what is a hot girl what is a Stallion what is a Diddy what is a Doechii what is a system what is a hot take what is a comment what is a thought what is a vibe what is a aura what is a life

what is a person but a person online and everything there ever was but not everything there is

on Instagram I came across a profile of a woman who makes a living off selling sex tips via IG reels and then a Patreon. I see a handful of people I know in real life and online who follow this person.I know because the app shows at the top. I do not care to know that these people follow this person and even though I, like any other person online can indulge some level of nosiness I do not care for this flavour of voyeurism. Well, I do a little. It’s odd. It’s not even parasocial. It’s habitual. It’s human nature at its most honest. it’s just what’s visible. it’s all visible. you engage with what is there. speaking of the visible, how about a hot take: true wisdom develops in relationship with what isn’t there.

Sometimes being online is like living in an apartment building. Or maybe an old-school tenement building. Lives and stories overlapping, discordant sounds and spirits, a cacophonous brew of all the messy features that make up being alive. Philsopher Lauren Berlant would call this our shared inconvenience, the reality of showing up in life alongside one another’s small dramas and epics.

I do want neighbours and I want them to have and want their privacy. I do not want to be so close to them that I can hear them having sex through our shared walls but close enough that we can knock on each other’s door with a question or hello

I get a TikTok as an experiment

I tell no one because I want to exist in my own bubble, duh

I see private thoughts I have reflected back to me from users and creators I do not known intimately but I feel like I do, like we all do

I tell a friend and the friend says she has noticed the same thing, omg

I suspect in no novel way that there is of course something to this AI takeover that is hushed and insidious

we scroll looking for more evidence

There is a trend about old people who no longer have ties to close loved ones so now they eat dinner alone and spend their evenings sitting in silence

I tear up, I repost

I watch myself in the act of looking

I catch a glimpse of the ambient glow

I place my finger on m forearm; I do not feel the glow

I exhale, still stiff

there is no rush

I touch the bubble; it does not break

I do not sense others

I sense an other

I do not block the noise

I have 47 seconds left

I feel a self

and I see the chasm

I hide, I show, I tell, I share

I am online

and I am against time

(maybe

I’ll go call my grandmother

now)

*Context: I am running a little writing practice where instead of shooting out commentary via Instagram stories I flesh them out or fully contort the thing into a small piece here. naturally, I suspend rules of any kind in terms of proofreading and punctuation in favour of style (SATIRE??), rhythm, theme, etc.

This was my first one inspired by a Cultured Mag post I saw this morning about how UES is undergoing a ‘facelift’ as the new, ‘offbeat’ (traditional) alternative to West Village girl. I opened up the story in my caption and wrote something about how the New Yorker archetype has surpassed its own navel-gazing parody into something much more milquetoast. The ouroboros of it all — I wrote and then deleted. Ping, idea for this post. For the record, I have been living in London now for a good amount of time which has nothing and everything to do with why I feel this article/post and the packaging of it is very droll.

ta,

K